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On August 5th, 2000, Dr. Arnold Bremen went into the jungles of Lllamania in search of the Flying Poo Monkey. Almost a month later, he emerged and shocked the world with his findings. In exchange for safe passage through her country, Dr. Bremen promised exclusive rights to the diary he kept on the journey to the Non-Gender-Specific Dictator for life of Lllamania. So, here for the first time in print, is

The Diary of Dr. Arnold Bremen

August 5th, today I began my second journey into the untamed jungles of Lllamania. Aided by a pair of sherpas from the local branch of the teamsters and accompanied by noted biologist Dr. Jenika Fishead, whom the Non-Gender-Specific Dictator for life of Lllamania had introduced me to on my first expedition, I headed into the wilderness. We were in search of the elusive Flying Poo Monkey. I had encountered a pack of Poo Monkeys earlier, and was eager to meet their airborne cousins. The Doctor reminded me that, although numerous encounters had been reported, none of the many attempts to study these unusual creatures had so much as seen a single Poo Monkey. I hoped the noble creatures would be easier to locate with a small and experienced crew.

Two days into the jungle, the sherpas have dissapeared. Dr. Fishead and I were observing a pile of scat which might have belonged to a Poo Monkey when we heard something crashing in the bushes. By the time we got back to the camp, both the sherpas and most of our food was gone. Dr. Fishead suggested that we turn back, but I insisted we push forward. After all, the teamsters couldn't say we hadn't tried to work with their sherpas, and it certainly wasn't our fault that they had dissapeared. Perhaps they had been taken hostage by a pack of Flying Poo Monkeys, I thought giddily.

August 8th, still no sign of the sherpas, and the feces we discovered could belong to almost any monkey. Dr. Fishead determined that we have enough food and water for three more days. I am looking into finding fresh water, already found two kinds of edible plant. I am beginning to realize why they told me to wait until the fall for this excursion, the heat is brutal. We are going through far too much water a day, it won't last us half as long as the doctor says. Have to go find a spring.

August 9th, found fresh water, monkey feathers. Everything is looking up. Jenika is a surprizingly good cook, I might eat this stuff even if I had my rations. We are getting closer by the day, I suspect in the next week we will finally see our flying friends. We hear their calls in the night. I sometimes wonder if they are talking about the strangers in their midst.

August 11th, Jenika passed out today. Despite her protests, I am insisting on carrying her pack. I am just as progressive as the next man, but when one spends much of their life studying and listening to lunactics one is not well suited to physical exertion. It wouldn't be so bad if she would just eat enough. Saw a shadow in the canopy, matches the description. There are Flying Poo Monkeys in this jungle, all around us. If only they would trust us enough to show themselves...

August 14th, made strange friends today. We were following a thin dirt path when we came upon a rather large village. There were a number of crude wooden huts on the ground, as well as structures attached to the trees. I was hoping to move along quickly, since the natives of this jungle were notoriously suspicious of outsiders, especially scientists. Jenika insisted that we at least introduce ourselves, in case we ran into a hunting party or some such thing on our way. She walked into the closest hut in typical overconfidence without so much as a knock. After a few moments, I decided to go in after her. Instead of the typical scientist shaking hands with the half-naked native scene, I saw a blue creature of at least six feet covered in textured blue skin-tight clothing, save for its head hands and feet, lifting Dr. Jenika a good foot above the ground with its six inch claws. Needless to say, I gave into the urge to do something stupid and heroic. Jenika then explained that was a form of greeting similar to a bear hug. After apologizing, I was introduced to Rudi, one of the Blue Monkeys Jenika had worked with in the past. We are staying with the Blue Monkeys tonight.

August 15th, here's to good friends. Rudi showed Jen and I the Flying Poo Monkey's feeding grounds. Nothing there today, but now we know where to look. Blue Monkeys have been nothing but hospitable to us. Had meat for dinner, some kind of rodent. After five days of the same three kinds of plants to eat, anything is a welcome change. Jen is discussing the possibility of bringing back a Flying Poo Monkey with a leader of the Blue Monkeys. Apparently, they feel obliged to protect their smaller cousins. If anyone can twist their arms, it'll be Jen, just hope they trust her enough. Can't wait to see a real Flying Poo Monkey.

August 17th, I have dreamed of this day all my life. There is nothing more magnificent than a grown Poo Monkey in flight. I sketched a few, Jen only got off two pictures before she scared them. Still haven't convinced the Blue Monkeys to let us bring one back for study. I can see why. Flying Poo Monkeys are magnificent creatures, a testament to the wonders of nature. If one went back with us, I couldn't bear to see it hurt or caged, they are simply too wonderful. Jen is pondering staying with the Blue Monkeys indefinitely. Something about Jane Goodal and the Gorillas. I hope she doesn't.

August 18th, predators entered the Flying Poo Monkey's feeding ground. Jenny caught some great shots of the Poo Monkeys flinging feces at the tiger, in all the noise, none of them noticed us. There is something wrong with one of the Flying Poo Monkeys. When the tiger entered the clearing, it flew into the trees with the other Poo Monkeys, but did not fling its dropings at the intruder. Could it be unable to defend itself? It has a very distinct light stripe down its back (not similar to the silver backs of elderly Gorillas), so I can continue to watch this monkey.

August 20th, something is very wrong with this Flying Poo Monkey. Davin, Jenny named it, has been in three situations where he should have flung dropings and did not. The other Poo Monkeys are noticing. If he is incapable of defending himself, he will not get a mate. We continue watching Davin anxiously. If we are correct, perhaps the Blue Monkeys will allow us to bring him back. Jenny has stopped talking about staying. The Blue Monkeys continue to shelter and feed us. I have begun joining some of the social activities of this group. A lifetime could be spent explaining their customs and social structure, but I have other obligations. Being the first scientist to see a Flying Poo Monkey in person comes with responsibilities.

August 21st, we need to leave soon. The heat is getting to Jenny, she spent almost an hour telling me about a small fraction of the ridicule she'd been subjected to due to her last name. Davin noticed us watching him today. I think he knows something is wrong. Jenny and I talked to Rudi about him. Rudi said if there really is something wrong with Davin the pack will try to help him. If they are unsuccesful, he will be abandoned. Rudi felt sure if this happened, the tribal leaders would allow us to take Davin with us. As much as I would hate to know this creature was sick, I can't help but hope. This trip may yield far more than I'd hoped.

August 24th, We can take Davin home with us! Rudi joined Jenny and I on our observations two days ago. We had noticed the other Flying Poo Monkeys trying to feed Davin some kind of grass for some time now. Rudi told us the grass had some healing capabilities, and that it was very common for the Flying Poo Monkeys to feed it to their sick. Since Davin was denying it, there had to be something seriously wrong. Yesterday, the flock returned to the feeding ground, minus Davin. We got a few notes and sketches of the rest of the pack, but Jenny and I both had our minds on Davin. That night, Rudi, Jenny and I asked the village leaders to let us take in the abandoned Flying Poo Monkey. For hours, we pleaded our case, promising to take do everything humanly possible, and a few things that weren't, to take good care of the sickly monkey. In the end, they caved and gave us their blessing, so long as we could find Davin. Now that he had been ostracized from the pack, he would not return to the feeding ground. We spent all day today looking for Davin. Rudi and a few other Blue Monkeys helped us as much as they could, but Flying Poo Monkeys are difficult to find, even in groups. Alone, a Flying Poo Monkey could hide indefinitely.

August 25th, the search continues. Jenny hasn't been eating, and I've been having trouble sleeping. A lone Flying Poo Monkey without its single defensive measure cannot be expected to live more than a few days. I can't bear to think of this creature being lost after all we've done just to get permission to take him home. We have been pouring over the sketches I made of him, for some reason seeing him there on the paper helps us to keep focused. Jenny has not been taking this well. Twenty days in the jungle will get to anyone, though. I hope we find Davin tomorrow, for his sake and ours.

August 26th, Davin is ours! I don't know how to explain it, but Jenny just started running down a path that barely existed and there he was, almost like he was waiting for her. He came with us back to the Blue Monkey village without any trouble. I think he might have recognized us. Also, we'd been spending quite a lot of time with the Blue Monkeys and Flying Poo Monkeys, by this point, we probably smell quite a bit like them. whatever the reason, we have our own Flying Poo Monkey!

August 29th, today we set off for home. The Blue Monkeys gave us some supplies and pointed us in the direction of civilization. It will take two more days to get out of the jungle. Davin is a joy to work with, I am beginning to think he understands some of our speach. There is much we can learn from this gentle primate, and I look forward to the years we will spend together. Hopefully Jenny and I can get enough grant money to watch him full time, as we promised to the Blue Monkeys. Davin deserves more than a cramped little cage and endless laboratory tests. He deserves loving care and companionship. I hope Jenny and I are up to the challenge.

The Diary ends here. Davin was diagnosed and treated for severe constipation upon his arrival at the San Diego Zoo. He spent two months at the zoo before Dr. Bremen and Dr. Fishead raised the grant money they needed. Davin now lives with Dr. Bremen and Dr. Fishead just west of Lllamania. He recieves almost constant attention, and has not been poked or prodded since leaving the zoo. Dr. Bremen is planing the release of hours of home video of Davin flying and interacting with Dr. Fishead, as well as other monkeys.

The sherpas were fired from Rent-a-Sherpa for abandoning the expedition.