Quid! (another Lllama play)

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Quid

[Liz is sitting cross-legged in a corner. There are two doors beside her and a wall that goes behind the audience. A few extras sit in the rear of the audience and walk along the wall and into one of the doors as the play takes place. Everyone is in white and black concert dress except for Mr. Schuster, who is in a tuxedo. Liz is humming or otherwise keeping herself entertained.]
[Fay enters door 2]
Liz: Hey, Fay. (short pause) Hey, that rhymes.
Fay: Are you going to mention that every time you say "hey" to me?
Liz: Probably.
[Fay sits next to Liz]
Liz: Quid.
Fay: What's that mean?
Liz: I don't know, but the answer is "Quid est."
Fay: Right. Whatever.
Liz: Nervous?
Fay: A little.
Liz: Don't be. You should've gotten a solo like this years ago. You're got even more experience now, you're going to be better than great.
Fay: Not a solo, a duet.
Liz: With Brian, none the less...
Fay: He's got a really good voice.
Liz: Not bad looking, either...
Fay: And he's really funny, but not in an obnoxious way like some people can be.
Liz: Are you saying I'm obnoxious?
Fay: Like some guys can be.
[both hush as Brian enters door 2 and exits along the wall.]
Liz: A solo with the great Brian MacLean... I envy you.
Fay: You couldn't have gotten it anyway, it's a soprano part.
Liz: I remember when I was a soprano.
Fay: I remember when I was an alto.
Liz: Where does the time go?
Fay: Those were simpler times
Liz: When the high notes were high
Fay: and the low notes were low
Liz: When the grass was greener, the trees taller, the flowers more fragrant, and handsome young tenors would vie for your attention...
Brian: Anyone I know?
(Fay stifles a giggle)
Liz: Yes, Brian, don't you know that everyone is always talking about you? It's a big conspiracy to over inflate your ego and eventually get you to make a total idiot of yourself so we can all laugh at you.
Brian: Aha! Exactly as I suspected!
Fay: Drat! He's onto our scheme.
Liz: We'll have to come up with a new one, even more diabolical than the last. We can make it bigger, faster, stronger, smarter. We have the technology, all we need is the funding.
Fay: Put a sock in it!
Liz: Can't. Nylons.
(Fay sighs and rolls eyes)
Brian: You can have mine
Fay: Don't encourage her!
Liz: Should I leave you two alone to practice?
Fay: Naw, I'm gonna go get some water. [exits along wall]
Brian: So, how's life for my favorite evil alto?
Liz: Um... school sucks.
Brian: Yes, I was somewhat aware of that fact. Anything else?
Liz: Um... siblings suck
Brian: Your sibs? They're cool.
Liz: You don't have to live with them.
Brian: Very true, but, still, I mean, your brother could construct an entire set out of duct tape if he so desired.
Liz: I think that's what he did for the musical.
Brian: Naw. It would've looked better if he did.
Liz: Ok, I guess siblings don't suck. But school sucks.
Brian: Agreed.
[awkward silence]
Liz: Quid.
Brian: What?
Liz: No, you're supposed to say "Quid est."
Brian: Oh. What does that mean?
Liz: How should I know? Do I look like a Latin student to you?
[Fay returns]
Brian: Hey, Fay.
Liz: Hey, that-
Fay: Don't even start that again.
[Liz sulks]
Brian: Fay, you nervous?
Fay: No, why?
Brian: Because your foot's twitching
Liz: You'll do just fine, don't worry.
Fay: I know, I know.
Brian: And if you aren't, probably the hardest things they'll throw are shoes, so you won't even get a concussion.
[Fay smacks Brian]
Brian: OW! [sulks]
Liz: Cheer up, Brian, you know what they say...
Fay: No! No Monty Python!
Liz & Brian: Why not? (look at each other and smile) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
[Mr. Schuster enters door 1]
Schuster: Fay, Brian? Can I see you two for a minute?
Fay: Yeah, sure.
[Fay, Brian and Mr. Schuster exit]
[Liz taps fingers, air pianos, hums and eventually sings loudly. Brian and Fay return]
[Brian air guitars along for a little bit]
Fay: Oh, stop it you two.
Brian: Ruin all our fun, why don't you?
Fay: I think I will.
Liz: Does this mean you don't want me playing air piano during your duet?
Fay: NO!
Brian: Yeah! That would be great! I can see it now: Fay Belvedere and Brian MacLean, with Elizabeth Karman accompanying on air piano.
Fay: Um, no.
Brain: You are no fun.
Liz: So, what did Mr. Schuster want you guys for? Super top secret solo business?
Brian: You got that right.
Fay: He just wanted to make sure our voices were ok and we knew where to stand and all that junk.
Liz: Fun.
Fay: Oodles of it.
[Brian digs around in his pockets, muttering "I hope I didn't lose it, or something of the like. Pulls out a marble]
Brian: Thank goodness!
Fay: You found your marble?
Liz: Isn't it supposed to be marbles?
Brian: I lost the rest.
Liz: No arguments there.
[Fay steals the marble from Brian and admires it for a moment]
Fay: What if the entire universe is contained inside this marble?
Liz: It's been done.
Fay: What?
Brian: Yeah, haven't you seen Men in Black?
Fay: Oh, crud. How about a spec of dust?
Liz: Horton hears a Who.
Fay: Snowflake?
Liz: The Grinch.
Brian: When did they say that in the book?
Liz: They didn't, it was only in the movie. Note how I said "The Grinch" as opposed to "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."
Fay: Um... how about a diamond?
Liz: I can't think of any, but it's probably been done too-
Fay: And maybe, the Hope Diamond is so cursed because there are so many trillions of little people living in it that every time someone touches it, the get like a megadose of bad karma?
Liz: Naw. If that's the case, more diamond miners would die more mysteriously.
Brian: Hey, Maybe it's carbon.
Fay: What?
Brian: Maybe Carbon, besides being one of the defining things for life, actually holds all life, like there's a tiny universe inside each carbon atom.
Fay: That would explain the Hope Diamond...
Brian: And Coal miners...
Liz: and why Bucky Balls are so cool.
Fay: Would you stop with the damn Bucky Balls?
Brian: Who's Bucky, and why are you talking about his-
Liz: Get your mind out of the gutter! [smacks him]
Brian: Ow, what was that for?
Liz: Being a twit.
Fay: And an uneducated twit at that.
Brian: Alright, I've had it. I don't need this kind of abuse! [gets up] And I'm taking my marble with me!
Fay: Awwww
[Brian exits door 2]
Liz: Nice going, you scared him away.
Fay: I scared him? You're the one who hit him!
Liz: Whatever.
Fay: And now we don't even have a marble to play with.
Liz: How sad. Two heads and not a marble between 'em
Fay: How very sad.
Liz: How very, very sad.
Fay: I think I'm gonna cry.
Liz: No, Fay, be strong. You must be an example for the whole chorus.
Fay: Our chorus? I think a laughing hyena would be a good example for our chorus
Liz: Hey, they haven't eaten the flesh of an audience member, yet.
Fay: That's gross. I'm going.
Liz: No, Fay! Please stay! ...Hey, that--
Fay: That's it! I've had it! I'm outta here.[stands up]
Liz: Awww, but Fay...
[Fay exits door 2]
[loooong pause]
Liz: Quid. [looks for someone else. Pause] Quid est.
[smiles contentedly, then stands up with effort and walks out along wall]

[Black out]