Head for the hills! LLLAMA RANT!

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Well, it's 10:39 on March 10, 2001, and I'm up writing again. Not that I have to be, or even that I want to be, but I can't get to sleep and I figure it's better if I get some content out of my insomnia. The cause of Lllama's sleep disorder? Well, stress, of course, but more specifically, graduation. Yes, I know June is a ways away and I have more pressing things to worry about, but since when do I do what makes sense? I'm just getting a head start on everyone else. With any luck, by senior week, when everyone else is falling apart, I'll be finished with my nervous breakdowns. Yeah, right.

I guess I have less to be worried about than most ppl. I mean, I'm staying at home for the first year (maybe 2) so I won't really have to miss my family and all, and it's not like I'm moving across the country. It's just, everyone else is. I am seriously going to miss my friends, but I think I'm gonna miss the ppl who aren't my friends more. I mean, I'll be in touch with Laura and Emily and everyone else no matter what, but there are all those ppl that you know, but not well enough to bother contacting, and... there are all those people you never met, never got a chance to befriend, all those possibilities gone. It's depressing. Damn you, grammar check, I'll have a long sentence if I want!

You know what? This is just the ultimate manifestation of bad timing. I mean, maybe for some other people seventeen is a good time to be leaving the nest, but, I am just scared of everything changing again. I mean, things have almost been stable the past four years (the time we've been in the new house) and now it's a totally new school with a million people I don't know and maybe only 2 that I do. I don't care if I am staying home, that's damn scary. Ok, maybe I'm just a wuss, but I think I have a point. Why doesn't spell checker know the word "wuss"? It knows woos. It knows buss. It knows dork. But no wuss. Maybe Bill Gates was tired of being called one. But that's not relevant. Wait, what am I saying? Of course it's not relevant, it's a rant!

I guess what I'm really trying to vent is just that I kinda feel like it's been sneaking up on me. It's hard for me to believe I'm a senior. Hell, it's hard for everyone I know to believe that I'm a senior. Everything's changing so fast and, as much as I don't want it to, I think what I'm more scared of is that it won't really change at all. You know, different clowns, same circus. The last thing I want is another four years of High School, and at the same time, I don't want to leave. Feeling kinda ambivalent today. Tonight, whatever.

I really don't want to leave now. No one there really knows who I am, and they never will. I won't be going to HS reunions to catch up with old friends, I'll still be meeting new ones. There are so many cool people who I never met, never got to know, and it's my loss. I guess it's theirs, too. There are so many new people in the school this year, and more on the way out. In another four years, I may not know any of the teachers there. It'll be like any other High School to me, full of strangers and sterile hallways decorated in a desperate attempt on the student's part to brighten the lives of others. There won't be any signs that I was ever there. No murals with the name "Lllama" scribbled at the bottom, no trophies from a team I was on, not even some measly grafitti. No one will know I was even there.

I'd better stop, or I'm gonna cry. Stupid Mom, I do NOT cry at mall openings. I just take everything really seriously. Yeah, me. Lllama. I know how I act, but I really do take everything to heart, even if you can't tell. I'm a human being like the rest. I laugh and cry and run around and bruise easily. I've got 46 chromosomes and 98% of my DNA is interchangable with that of a chimp. Almost all is interchangable with yours.