Ext. Megalopolis, Arial View
Narrator: Megalopolis, the city that hardly ever sleeps, (Big rock crushes city) No wait... (Move camera right to see another city) Now where was I oh yes Megalopolis, the city that hardly ever sleeps, known the world over for it's great traffic jams, The huge Cheese Wiz Ltd. Headquarters building, and the worlds most amazing super hero, AmazingSuperHero Man. However, on this sad day in Megalopolis history, AmazingSuperHero Man is about to make a shocking announcement.
Int. Press Conference
AmazingSuperHero Man: I suppose you're all wondering why I called this press conference.
Reporter 1: Well, duh!
AmazingSuperHero Man: Well, I suppose there's no use beating around the bush, I'm retiring.
[Gasps]
Dork: Yay.
AmazingSuperHero Man: (cont.) I'm getting married
[More gasps]
Dork: Yay
[Trisha joins him on stage]
AmazingSuperHero Man: (cont.) Trisha and I have decided to move to Sweden, to get away from all the traffic and Cheese Wiz.
Reporter 2: But who will protect Megalopolis?
AmazingSuperHero Man: What do I look like your mother?
Int. Living room
AmazingSuperHero Man: (on TV) you guys can find your own replacement I'm out of here!
[Exit AmazingSuperHero Man and Trisha]
Reporter 3: (on TV) there you have it folk AmazingSuperHero Man has-
[Ray turns off TV]
Anna: Well that's just great. He's just abandoning Megalopolis cause he's getting married to some ditz.
Ray: Well, why don't we do something about it?
Anna: What, you mean protect Megalopolis ourselves?
Ray: Why not?
Anna: Oh please, be realistic. It's not like we're going to win the lottery tomorrow and become superheroes.
Ray: I guess you're right.
Narrator: the next day they won the lottery and became superheroes. What? The writers went on strike before they finished this scene. Don't blame me, I'm just a narrator, I'm not supposed to come up with this stuff.
Int. Weirdo Cave
Superhero Consultant: ...and this cave also has six emergency exits making for nine exits over a 5 acre area
Loony Lady: What's with all the bats?
Superhero Consultant: The last occupant sort of liked them.
Weirdo Man and Loony Lady: Okay...
Superhero Consultant: Now lets move on to the weapons section.
Weirdo Man: Sweet.
Int. Evil Headquarters
Mr. Evil: Now with AmazingSuperHero man out of the way I can take over the world!
PR Agent: Mr. Evil How many times have I told you that the public doesn't approve of total world domination, they-
Mr. Evil: How many times have I told you to shut up!
Pr Agent: Well, I am your head of public relations and I just thought-
Mr. Evil: Shut up!
Igor: Master?
Mr. Evil: What is it Igor?
Igor: How are we going to take over the world? We have no money!
Mr. Evil: You incompetent fool!
[Smacks Igor]
Mr. Evil: (cont.) Don't you remember? Agent 9 is acquiring the 20 billion dollars as we speak!
SOMEWHERE IN SWEDEN
Int. Parlor
Trisha: Honey, can I have 20 billion dollars?
AmazingSuperHero Man: Sure, sweetie. Here you go. Don't spend it all in one place.
Trisha: oh, alright.
Int. Evil headquarters
[Enter Trisha]
Trisha: I got the money boss, well, most of it at least. You think you could spot me a quarter?
[Chews gum loudly]
Mr. Evil: Is that gum?
Trisha: Yeah, AmazingSuperIdiot Man told me not to spend the whole 20 billion in one place
Mr. Evil: You spent my 20 billion on gum?!
Trisha: Only 25 cents from it
Mr. Evil: It's the principle of the matter! You can't go around wasting MY funds on YOUR little gum!!!
Trisha: You want a piece?
Mr. Evil: (pause) yes.
Trisha: How long am I going to have to put up with this phony marriage anyway?
Mr. Evil: Not much longer, agent 9.
Trisha: You aren't going into one of those evil things again, are you?
Mr. Evil: yes.
[Exit Trisha]
Mr. Evil: Everything is falling into place. Soon, soon Mrs. Kitty, I shall rule the world! Isn't that right Mrs. Kitty...? Mrs. Kitty? WHY DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?! [Bops Kitty] Oh I'm sorry I'm sorry. Are you all right? (To the side) Meow. That's better.
Int. Weirdo cave
Superhero Consultant: And now we have your weapons.
Loony Lady: I got my weapon!
Weirdo Man: That's a toy light saber, Loony Lady.
Loony Lady: Yes...?
Superhero Consultant: That's not going to vanquish evil.
Loony Lady: Aww...
Superhero Consultant: This is your weapon, Weirdo Man.
Weirdo Man: It's a tube with a chicken in it.
Superhero Consultant: A rabid chicken
Weirdo Man: It's a chicken, what's it going to do?
Superhero Consultant: I'm glad you asked that. Allow me to demonstrate.
[Fires at Weirdo Man] [Weirdo Man catches Chicken]
Weirdo Man: What's this supposed to do...
[Chicken attacks]
Weirdo Man: (cont.) AAAhhh! AAAAHHHHHH! GET IT OFF ME!!!!
[Superhero Consultant returns Chicken to tube]
Superhero Consultant: And this will be your weapon, Loony Lady.
Loony Lady: It's a plunger.
Superhero Consultant: It's a hypo magnetic plunger
Loony Lady: Meaning?
Superhero Consultant: It can suck the face off your enemies.
Loony Lady: Really? Cool! Let me try that!
[Plungers Weirdo Man]
Loony Lady: (cont.) Cool! Oh, you want it back?
[Plungers Weirdo Man again]
Weirdo Man: COOL!
Superhero Consultant: Now that we've got that taken care of...
Weirdo Man: Do it again!
Loony Lady: No!
Weirdo Man: Give it!
Loony Lady: Back off!
Superhero Consultant: AS I WAS SAYING... let's move on to the vehicle
Loony Lady: Cool!
[Loony Lady drops plunger]
Weirdo Man: Tee Hee!
[Plungers self]
Int. Weirdo Cave Garage
Superhero Consultant: I give you the Weirdo mobile
Loony Lady: Cool.
[Enter Weirdo Man] [Pulls off plunger]
Weirdo Man: Man that is so... Wow
Superhero Consultant: Under the hood of this baby is an XP-32 turbo thrust engine.
[Weirdo Man and Loony Lady gape in amazement]
Superhero Consultant: (cont.) this gives the car the ability to go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds.
[Weirdo Man and Loony Lady gape in amazement]
Superhero Consultant: (cont.) Of course, I kind of spent all the money on the rest of the car so I couldn't buy brakes, but that's what friction and trees are for.
[Weirdo Man and Loony Lady have no response still gapping]
Superhero Consultant: (cont.) And of course, the keys.
[Drops keys in Weirdo Man hand] [Loony Lady takes keys]
Loony Lady: Yoink!
Weirdo Man: Hey!
[Weirdo Man and Loony Lady begin fighting over keys]
Superhero Consultant: Oh, this is a crash just waiting to happen.
[Weirdo Man and Loony Lady seen poised with weapons]
Superhero Consultant: Alright break it up!
[Takes keys]
WW and Loony Lady: Oh!
[Put down weapons]
Ext. Cheese Wiz Ltd.
Reporter 3: In a historic deal today, Evil inc. bought out Cheese Wiz Ltd. for an unprecedented 17 billion dollars.
Int. Conference Room
Rep. 3: (cont.) The deal was closed today with the presentation of the 17 billion dollar check, followed by a brief press conference in which Mr. Evil, owner of Evil inc., stated he would "Use this factory to take over the world! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." Mr. Evil's publicist later stated what Mr. Evil meant was that he would "Use the factory to end the starvation of wide eyed puppies in third world countries." Although some workers have expressed concern about Mr. Evil's spotty legal record, Mr. Evil's publicist has assured them that Mr. Evil fully intends to maintain the family reputation of Cheese Wiz ltd., now Evil inc. Cheese Wiz.
Ext. Cheese Wiz ltd.
Rep. 3: (cont.) Mr. Evil has also allocated an additional 3 billion dollars for a new top secret project. While rumors are rampant, many believe this is a project for the government, possibly to end world hunger. Right now, however, it's anyone's guess. This is Kerry Perkins reporting live for channel 60.
(Static)
Int. Weirdo Cave
Loony Lady: (filming) Well, here we are, in our brand new Weirdo Cave, and, there's Weirdo Man, yeah, hi. And there's our Superhero Consultant, he found us this place, yeah, wave to the camera, no, don't do that (Camera turns rapidly). And, well, let's go have a look at the-
[lights off]
Loony Lady: what?
[Turns on flashlight]
Loony Lady: Guys? Weirdo Man? Superhero Consultant? Is anybody there?
Weirdo Man: I am the Éclair Witch! Give me a donut!
Loony Lady: But, I don't have one!
Weirdo Man: Then you will die! (Cackles)
[Runs around with camera, falls]
Loony Lady: I'm so scared! I'm sorry I ate the last cinnamon roll, Mom! I-
[Hand on Loony Lady shoulder]
Loony Lady: AAAAHHHHHHH!
[Drop camera, fighting noises]
[lights go back up, Loony Lady has beaten Weirdo Man to the ground]
Loony Lady: Weirdo Man! Don't do that!
[Kick] [Weirdo Man twitches]
Int. Evil Headquarters
Mr. Evil: Igor!
Igor: Yes, master?
Mr. Evil: Have you gathered the evil henchmen?
Igor: Yes master!
Mr. Evil: Good, send them in.
[Enter Evil Henchmen]
Mr. Evil: Have a seat. Now, I presume you all have your Evil Henchmen contracts filled out.
Henchmen: Yeah.
Mr. Evil: Good, if you'll just send them here, thank you.
[Flips through contracts]
Mr. Evil: Mr. Happy Face, you just scribbled!
Mr. Happy: loud growl
Mr. Evil: well... could you just put an X? Please?
Mr. Happy: resigned growl
Mr. Evil: Army Bob why did you cover your contract with mushroom clouds?
Army Bob: When do we get the guns?!?
Mr. Evil: LATER! Let's move on. Now once I rule the world, you will each receive a section as per your contracts. Ogre? You will receive, uh, something in Europe.
Ogre: grrrrrr!!!
Mr. Evil: How about France?
Ogre: grrrrrr!!!
Mr. Evil: I take that as a yes. Jimi?
Jimi: Yeah?
Mr. Evil: You can have, uh, South America.
Jimi: Can I make stuff, you know, legal? Anything?
Mr. Evil: sure
Jimi: Cool, man.
Mr. Evil: Army Bob I understand you want the middle east and any other poverty stricken countries with tyrant leaders.
Army Bob: Yes. they need to learn a lesson in peace.
Mr. Evil: He's good. Mr. Happy Face, you can have something in Africa
Mr. Happy: Loud growl
Mr. Evil: Alright, you can have the whole thing.
Disco Dan: What do we get?
Mr. Evil: Disco Dan you and your gang can have, um, Nebraska, yes that will do.
Disco guy 2: Man they get countries and all we get is Nebraska?
Disco Dan: Deal under one condition. Bring back the 8-Track and polyester leisure suits.
Mr. Evil: Very well, now take your gang to the perimeter. Jimi?
Jimi: Yeah, man?
Mr. Evil: You guard the entrance.
Jimi: Okay, man.
Int. Weirdo Cave
Superhero Consultant: ...And this is your complementary 99 Compaq complete with Superhero for Windows.
Weirdo Man: Bill Gates owns everything.
Superhero Consultant: Well, that's everything
Loony Lady: that's it?
Superhero Consultant: Yup, bye!
[Exit Superhero Consultant]
Weirdo Man: Well, what do we do now?
Loony Lady: I guess we wait.
Int. Parlor
AmazingSuperHero Man: (on phone) Hi, Oh, I'll hold... Hi, Trisha... oh. Really? How long? Oh, okay. Yeah, bye.
Int. Weirdo Cave
On Computer: TURN ON CHANNEL 60
Loony Lady: Weirdo Man!
Weirdo Man: I see it.
[Turns on TV]
Reporter 3: ...We're now switching over to the live feed
Mr. Evil: Am I on? Citizens of Megalopolis, I have a cheese bomb! What? Oh. A cheese ray! Members of the UN, if my demands are not met, I will destroy- What? I didn't? My demands are total World Domination, and a ham sandwich. And if they aren't met, I will destroy Megalopolis!
Int. UN
Mr. Evil: (cont.) And just to prove I'm not bluffing...
UN rep 1: Oh my god, he smothered the twin towers in a strange cheese like substance!
UN rep 2: Mebe de cheese went dere on it's own.
UN rep 3: Maybe, but we can't take that chance.
UN rep 2: Oh, you always say that, I want to take that chance!
Int. Weirdo Cave
Weirdo Man: Let's go!
[Batman-esque suiting up scene]
Weirdo Man hums Batman theme, is bopped
Ext. Megalopolis, Arial View
Weirdo mobile swerves erratically down the street
Insert old "I get to drive" bit
Weirdo Man and Loony Lady: TREE!!!
Ext. Parking Lot
Camera approaches tree
Weirdo Man and Loony Lady: AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
(Static)
Weirdo Man: Nice going, Loony Lady. You crashed the Weirdo mobile!
Loony Lady: Hey, you kept stealing the steering wheel!
Weirdo Man: Well, I-
Disco Dan: Hey, you guys are trespassing!
Disco guy 2: Let's get 'em!
Loony Lady: Oh No!
Weirdo Man: Don't worry I planed for such an occasion...
[Weirdo Man pulls out stereo and turns it on.{disco music} Disco gang starts to dance Weirdo Man and Loony Lady leave]
Disco guy 2: They're getting away!
Disco guy 3: Hey! they left the music here
Disco guy 2: groovy! (All start dancing)
Ext. Cheese Wiz ltd.
Weirdo Man: Oh no, they have a guard posted. How're we going to get in?
[Loony Lady sees bucket]
Loony Lady: I've got an idea.
Jimi: Who're you, man?
Loony Lady: I'm PLUNGER PERSON! With my amazing powers of plunger, I vanquish ev- I mean good.
Weirdo Man: I'm bucket-head.
Jimi: Well, I dunno bout this plunger person, but I like this bucket head guy. You guys can come in.
Loony Lady: Thank You, citizen!
Jimi: Uh, what were we talking about?
Loony Lady: You were letting us in.
Jimi: I was? I don't think I'd do that...
Weirdo Man: I'm Bucket Head.
Jimi: Oh yeah, you guys can come in.
[Weirdo Man and Loony Lady walk in]
Jimi: Hey! Where're you guys going?
Int. Evil inc. Hallway
Weirdo Man: Loony Lady, I can't get this bucket off my head!
Loony Lady: Let me try
[Plungers Bucket]
Loony Lady: Nope, that sucker isn't coming off.
Weirdo Man: What do I do?
Loony Lady: Just leave it on.
[Weirdo Man hits wall] [Army Bob appears in front of them]
Loony Lady: Uh oh, here's trouble.
Weirdo Man: What?
Loony Lady: Let me deal with him.
[Loony Lady stands with plunger poised for a while]
Loony Lady: Wait a minute [taps Army Bob, he falls over]
Loony Lady: He's asleep!
[Weirdo Man hits wall]
Int. Evil Headquarters
Guard: Hey who are you?
Loony Lady: Uh Oh!
(Weirdo Man Blindly stumbles into them. Alarm sounds)
Intercom: Warning 2 intruders in south wing caution one is blind and dangerous.
Superhero Consultant: ...And the cheese launcher will give your troops a strategic advantage over conventionally armed troops.
Mr. Evil: Let me try that,br>
[Shoots cheese block into hallway]
Weirdo Man: OW!
[Falls]
Superhero Consultant: Uh oh
[Exit Superhero Consultant]
[Weirdo Man gets up w/o bucket]
Weirdo Man: hey! The bucket came off!
Loony Lady: Uh oh.
Mr. Evil: Who are you?
Weirdo Man: I'M WEIRDO MAN!!!
Loony Lady: AND I'M LOONY LADY!!!
Mr. Evil: oh, please, what are you going to do?
Weirdo Man: I'm glad you asked that
[Fires chicken]
Mr. Evil: what's this supposed to... AH! AH! GET IT OFF ME!
[Throws out window] [Hit by car]
Mr. Evil: you'll have to do better than that, Igor! Get them!
Weirdo Man: You take care of him, I'll get Mr. Evil.
[Loony Lady plungers Igor, misses face, hits hump, removes it]
Igor: Now I'm a real boy!
[Exit Igor]
Ogre: grrrrrr
[Loony Lady smacks with plunger, Ogre falls]
Ogre: hey!
[Weirdo Man and Mr. Evil wrestling]
Mr. Evil: Go Mrs. Kitty!
Loony Lady: Get it Llama!
[Loony Lady and Mr. Evil throw animals]
Weirdo Man: I'll take care of him.
Mr. Happy face: growl
[Loony Lady uses plunger Mr. Happy's face comes off]
Mr. Happy face: Whimper
[Mr. Happy face runs off]
[Llama farts kitty, kitty collapses]
[Loony Lady smacks Mr. Evil, Weirdo Man hog-ties him]
Weirdo Man: Ha ha, We win!
Trisha: Not Quite!
Loony Lady: You!
Weirdo Man: You're working for Mr. Evil!
Loony Lady: You just married AmazingSuperHero man to get him out of the way!
Trisha: well duh!
AmazingSuperHero man: Trisha?!
Trish: oh, no!
AmazingSuperHero Man: you're coming with me.
[Exit Trisha and AmazingSuperHero man]
Int. Awards Ceremony
Loony Lady: Wait a minute!
Weirdo Man: what?
Loony Lady: the music...
AmazingSuperHero Man: It's award ceremony music
Loony Lady: It's copyrighted!
Weirdo Man: So?
Loony Lady: Don't you think we broke enough copyright laws already?
Weirdo Man: No.
Loony Lady: Besides THAT'S STAR WARS!!!
Weirdo Man: oh.
[Indiana Jones music plays]
Loony Lady: Oh, forget it.
[Exit Loony Lady]
Lactose Intolerant Man: I'm Lactose Intolerant man!
Int. Awards Ceremony
Lactose Intolerant Man: I'm Lactose Intolerant man!
Weirdo Man: Yeah...Okay...
Loony Lady: Too bad about Trisha being one of Mr. Evil's agents
Weirdo Man: That must have been an unpleasant surprise
AmazingSuperHero Man: Nah
Loony Lady: What?
AmazingSuperHero Man: I knew that the whole time
Weirdo Man: What?
AmazingSuperHero Man: Yeah, I was just looking for an excuse to retire
Weirdo Man and Loony Lady: WHAT?!?
[Weirdo Man fires chicken, Loony Lady hits w/ plunger]
Lactose Intolerant Man: I'm Lactose Intolerant man!
[Mr. Evil throws cheese, hits Lactose Intolerant Man]
Loony Lady: Oh my God, he killed Lactose Intolerant Man!
Group: oh no!
Dork: yea.
Weirdo Man: Eh.
The End
The Diary of Dr. Arnold Bremen | The Ancient Tale of Shu, Noshu, and Shunoshu | Aunt Greta and the Nuclear Nuisance | Aunt Greta and the Mischevious Mutant | The Adventures of Weirdo Man and Loony Lady | Diced Pears | Quid
